I wasn’t prepared for motherhood.

It sounds funny to say it almost 3 years in but I wasn’t prepared. I was ready but not prepared.

I wasn’t prepared for how it would feel to be so needed by someone or how hurt I would be when he rejects me- “not Mommy, just Daddy” stings every time.

I wasn’t prepared for how easy it is to pick out parent child combinations at the pool or at the park. I never saw it before — I don’t think I look like my parents or my child yet I can always pick out the features of other parent/child pairs that look alike. Is it their face? Their walk? Their style of dress? What makes it so easy to pair? Is it nature, nurture or destiny?

I wasn’t prepared for seeing my own parents’ face reflected back at me at times, diluted and much smaller but unmistakenly there.

I wasn’t prepared for the joy of watching this tiny person complete the most routine tasks- or learn things which I can’t remember not knowing. The first time he said his full name, I was so shocked- not just that he said it but by how proud I was of him.

I had no idea that I could be so thrilled by someone telling me that it was time to go to the potty- and yet here we are.

But what I really wasn’t prepared for was the feeling that it’s all going too fast. I’ve never wanted to stop moments in time before but more and more often I do. Every time I get slobbery kisses or a little body curling into my lap, I want everything to stop so I can hold onto

This moment. Right now. These little fingers, this little head full of curls. For the first time, I look at pictures and don’t recognize the infant that came before. I remember him but he hardly seems like the same person. The tiny helpless baby has given way to the strong, confident active little boy who loves the Lion King and Cars and has friends and climbs things. I don’t miss the baby but it makes me realize that this little boy will one day be unrecognizable too. I wasn’t prepared to want him to freeze and stay like this forever. I mean who wants to hang out with a baby all the time- they’re so boring. This kid is fun- like super fun and funny and interesting. I don’t think I was prepared for how interesting he would be. I knew genetically the odds were leaning towards interesting and funny and charming but I wasn’t prepared for how it would actually be on a day to day basis.

I wasn’t prepared for so much, but it’s amazing. I know every parent thinks there kid is awesome and amazing, but I really wasn’t prepared for how awesome mine would actually be.