And realise how happy you are and how exciting everything is.
That’s my mantra for the moment because everything is such a whirlwind of packing, congratulations, birthday, planning, etc that I’m not sure if I’m actually taking it all in. Every now and then I have a moment where I pause and say to myself, “Holy $%&* I’m engaged! This is ACTUALLY happening!” It is still very surreal, and hard to imagine. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m so busy that I barely have time to scratch myself—(while I’m writing, I’m thinking I should be packing, checking emails, packing my gym bag or clearing up the dishes after dinner) but I feel like life is a whirlwind at the moment. There actually is a LOT going on at the moment but there’s a sort of euphoric feeling that I’m not familiar with. I think people call it Happiness or delight, maybe elation? Really I’m not sure. It’s not really a feeling I’ve had recently so I’m not sure what it is.
It’s weird, the last few months have been nothing short of a rollercoaster. Actually, the last 15 or 16 months have probably been some of the most challenging and difficult of the last 10 years, if not my entire life. Since November 2011, I’ve left a secure, well paid job that I liked at a company that I loved and went to a job in a company I hated from Day 1, stuck it out for 9 months but left without knowing what my next move would be. Two months later I had a new job (at my old company) and lost my father the week I was supposed to start. There are about three months that are a blur of grieving, grieving, and more grieving, and finally feeling normal sort of normal again. Now it’s the high of getting engaged, the franticness of deciding to move house, and the mixed emotions of planning my third trip to the US in 14 months. It’s all pretty full on. It’s been draining and emotional and largely really tough. It’s weird that I’m finally really happy about something, like really truly excited, elated and OMG wow about something after spending most of the last 6 months feeling the exact opposite. It’s weird. It’s pretty much the polar opposite of the emotional spectrum. I feel like I’ve been through the entire range of human emotions in 6 months. And sometimes, it’s kind of hard to deal with.
When you’re grieving and sad, it’s the hardest thing to feel but it’s so easy to wallow in it. To cry, to be sad, to not want to get out of bed and to shut yourself off from the world. People understand sadness, they understand and give you space. Space to feel nothing, or everything or just to be in your own little world. It’s frustrating for others because they feel bad for you but know they can’t solve it. Grief is antisocial, it’s grey and rainy. Being happy is harder to explain. Much harder. It’s not the opposite of grief, but maybe it’s close. It’s weird, being delighted about something is actually quite hard to enjoy. Maybe it’s because you’re worried that it’s going to disappear or something’s going to ruin it, or that it’s not really happening or that it’s a dream. Elation is harder to pin down, it’s not as definite as grief and it’s harder to express to others. I think when someone is grieving, other people don’t know quite what to say to the person. It’s hard to express sympathy. When you’re happy, it’s hard to tell other people how you feel—you never want to rub their noses in it. I know, it’s a hard problem to have.
But that’s the thing about being happy, it’s a breeding ground for first world problems. Like me in my pole class complaining that my engagement ring kept knocking me in the face when I was doing handstands. Or having to go get a manicure at lunch my first day back after Qualia, because I was embarrassed at how bad my nails looked while everyone was looking at my ring. See, that’s what I mean, it’s hard to talk about being happy without sounding stuck up or smug.
But my goal for now, isn’t necessarily to talk about how excited I am or how delighted or how elated, it’s just to take a moment and enjoy it. This is one of 10 most exciting things that will ever happen to me (I’m not sure what the other 9 are). I will never get this time in my life back, even if I pull a Liz Taylor and have 7 husbands, there will never be another first time. So I will make a point to stop, breathe, enjoy, take it all in, and be pleased, and delighted and feel incredibly blessed and fortunate for moments like these.
And now, back to packing!