grief

Déjàvu all over again…

~ stephzuniga ~ Leave a comment

Well, here we are again. Clearly those photos were taken on Election morning when the future looked hopeful and optimistic- when change was in the air and anything seemed possible.

Personally, I’m still processing all the feelings I’m feeling. Disappointment, surprise, foreboding, grief, fear, impending doom.

It’s a familiar feeling- well, not familiar as in it happens all the time, but I remember it well from 2016. I didn’t write about it then- at the time I was 31 weeks pregnant and there was still a lot of hope. Hope for my unborn baby, hope that maybe it wouldn’t be “that bad”, hope.

Not to be bleak, but I don’t have the same hope this time. This time I just feel scared. We know the sequel is always worse than the original. We know we’re in for hard and dark days.

I’m processing my feelings- and baking through my grief and anxiety and fear.

Cookies help. Cooking helps. In fact, any activity that doesn’t involve doom scrolling helps.

What also helps? Denial. And that’s where I’ve landed with this week’s cookies. Denial and Kamala Harris’ cooking channel on YouTube….

Yes, that is right. Reason 10,952 that I’m bummed about the election- we could have had a President with their own Cooking Channel. Masala Dosa, Tuna Sandwiches, Bacon Fried Apples. All recipes from the Cooking with Kamala channel. Check out the video on Monster Cookies– which coincidentally are one of the cookies I baked this week.

I also baked Gwen Walz’s Ginger Snap Cookies from the website, Kamala’s Recipes.

Like I said, I’m baking in an alternate universe. One where we have a President who bakes AND believes in the rule of law AND healthcare for women AND isn’t a felon.

A girl can only dream…

Memorial Day/ I dream of dresses

~ stephzuniga ~ 2 Comments

So the last week of my trip has been pretty much all wedding colours (nearly picked), venue (sorted!), and dresses. Ball gown vs a line vs mermaid vs trumpet. I’m quite lucky to be a sample size so it’s pretty easy to shop but I haven’t decided on anything– yet. All week I’ve been waiting for my say yes to the dress/ I found the gown moment of triumph with hugs and and tears and then WHAM

Today I’ve run head first into what I’m really doing here, today is my dad’s memorial service and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve run smack into a wall of grief and sadness and it feels like I’ve been blind sided.

See, planning a wedding is a great distraction from reality. While my mom and I were debating what black tie really means and whether reply cards are necessary for invitations, I wasn’t thinking about my father’s upcoming funeral. Yes, of course we’ve been talking about how to honor him and who will walk me down the aisle, weddingy matter of fact elements of what to do on your wedding day when only one of your parents is living. I haven’t been thinking about his death as an event that I’ll have to relive in only a few hours. And I should have been. Even though it’s been 6 months, the emotions are still fresh and raw and they’ve been buried beneath two months of wedding distraction.

And so here I am.

All week I’ve been so wedding focused, I’ve been dreaming of my wedding and my dad has been in every single dream, and it’s been great, I’ve literally had a dream wedding every night with perfect dresses and father daughter dances and fireworks and ferris wheels (don’t ask) and in a few hours I’ll have to sit through a day long reminder of the fact that my father is dead and my perfect, dream wedding will always be just a dream.

I know it’s meant to celebrate his life and that death is a part of life and every other platitude you can throw at me. But it doesn’t feel great and I’m scared and sad and I miss him. A lot.

I know today’s event will only go for a few hours and in another 24 hours, tomorrow no matter what will be a new day, and that today will be in the past– but then again, it’s the same with a wedding day, isn’t it?

Today I’ll celebrate the end of my father’s life and tomorrow will go back to being distracted by planning a new one with The Runner, so thankful to my Dad for helping me become the person who I am today and the person who The Runner loves. Still missing him and wishing he were going to be there to walk me down the aisle, give a cheesy toast, and then dance with me to Elton John but knowing that that will only happen while I sleep.